On Cynicism

So I did a quick google search of cynicism to make sure I have a clear understand of what I am attempting to give up this Lenten season. Various sources define cynicism as: skepticism, distrust, suspicion of others true motives, a pessimistic or scornful attitude. Okay, so they got me pegged there… My first response is that I have damn good reason to be skeptical, to distrust others, and to be suspicious of others true motives. This is an issue that I have examined recently in my personal life, and I find it permeates all of my relationships, it truly is built into my psyche. So for me, to try and become less cynical first involves a trip inside to understand the roots of my cynicism.

For me, my cynicism is deeply psychological. By that I mean that my strong tendency toward cynicism is ultimately not based on intellectual skepticism, deconstruction activity, or even disappointment in past relationships/ideas/structures, but rather deeper at an emotional level. What is true is that my cynicism is most often expressed in these categories, but the roots go deeper.

I think I can say that my cynicism is based on a painful awareness that all is not right in the world, and all is not right in me. This awareness has been there since I was first conscious of self and the external world (around 5 years old). Through various means I have tried to elude this apparent reality, and at times succeeded for a while. Accepting and validating my awareness (most often subconscious) of how incomprehensibly sad and chaotic the world really is has never been an option, instead I have (subconsciously) created and tried to protect an idealistic view of the world and my self.

More recently I have started to really examine my idealistic view of myself and the world that I try so hard to protect. More specifically, I have tried to face head-on the reality that life is often filled with meaningless anguish, loneliness, and fear. Additionally I have tried to face the person I actually am, not the person I believe I should be.

That said, I believe that for me leaving behind cynicism very much involves death, a death of some of my disappointed idealism and a death of my self-illusions about my self. Only by embracing a reality that I find quite painful can I actually begin to accept that reality, and perhaps ultimately find some meaning in the ocean of meaninglessness.

Ken